welcome to my big feelings
I’m Not Doing Okay, But I’m Also Perfectly Fine
Warning: this is very chaotic. On purpose, because I am chaotic and I want you to understand how I write.
Some days, I feel like I’m doing all the right things and surviving.
Other days, I’m just floating, no thoughts, no direction, faint pulse.
December 2023, I was constructively dismissed from my management role for doing the job I was hired to do, advising my employer that, in order to align with the organization’s stated mandate, a public statement in support of Palestine should be released.
They disagreed.
They questioned my expertise (the same expertise they hired me for).
They called Palestinians terrorists.
They told me I didn’t know what I was talking about.
They accused me of being aggressive, confrontational and worse.
(I’ll get into the outrageous details of the anti-Black racism, financial fraud, and misogynoir in a paid post soon.)
Since then, I haven’t been able to find consistent employment. I’ll land a consulting gig here and there, but mostly, I’ve been completely unemployed, financially hanging on by a thread so thin and so worn, it has mold on it.
So yes, this newsletter/blog/thingy is partly about survival. But it’s also about a lot more than that.
I’m a full-time caregiver for my aging mother.
Not having a stable income has made everything harder, for both of us.
You learn a lot about yourself (and the people around you) when you’re struggling to pay bills and feed yourself (and your dog)
But I feel like that learning hits different when you’re polyamorous.
The combination of no money and 24/7 caregiving took up so much space that I couldn’t keep up with the emotional maintenance of certain relationships. My energy and patience ran dry, and I realized: reciprocity wasn’t happening.
Because I wasn’t performing my usual emotional labor, because I couldn’t be as available as I once was, those relationships fell apart. Quickly
It was devastating.
And also… freeing.
What I uncovered was that the distress I carried in certain relationships wasn’t just about me being unwell, or too traumatized, or “bad at polyamory” like some folks would have me believe. It was about me creating and maintaining one-sided connections.
I stayed in relationships with people who liked my humour and my softness, who enjoyed having me around as long as I was cooperative and useful. But they had no real desire to meet my needs. Not emotionally. Not practically. Not at all. And that part, the staying too long, the over-giving, that part is on me.
What can I say.. I’m a flawed, experimenting, person (Poor Things is a great movie)
So heres the thing..
I like knowing what’s happening.
Why I’m yelling.
Why I’m crying.
Why I’m hurt.
Why I need to be held.
I like to understand myself.
But for the last few years, I haven’t known why.
It’s like that framework..
the things you know
the things you know you don’t know
and the things you don’t know you don’t know
I didn’t know I didn’t know.
Only now am I beginning to piece together the blurry puzzle of unknown unknowns (cue that Boondocks clip).
Like:
I give too much to men who tell me they love me, even when I know they’re lying.
I’m afraid of getting close to women.
I don’t know what it feels like to be cared for in the ways I need.
I’ve been meaning to write this intro post for eight months.
Since launching this Substack, life has been doing what life does:
My mom had a full shoulder replacement.
I unexpectedly got accepted into the 2nd best social work grad program in the world.
My dog has been regressing in her training
I ended a significant relationship
I went to a fertility clinic
My book is still not done.
So writing here felt impossible. But here we are.
I’m writing something.
Finally.
Anyway…
The internet used to feel like home. A safe, honest place. But lately, it hasn’t felt safe. And I’m not sure I belong here anymore. So this Substack is me trying to find my way back. And like I said.. it’s also about: Getting a coin (because… hello)
What to Expect Here
The goal:
5 posts a week.
1 free post
4 paid posts
(Which I think is fair—my big head brain and annoying personality are free all over the internet already.)
This is also secretly a fundraiser. I’m trying to launch an advocacy group.
Content will include:
Rambles
Academic breakdowns
Film nerd moments
Audio/podcast-style entries
Book reviews
Big feelings
Small chaos
All of the above
Okay. I think that’s chaotic enough.
K thanks bye.
💋